Move to England and become a sun zombie…

yankeebean

When I moved here in 2004 I used to laugh when the sun would come out.   English people across the nation would drop everything and wander, like zombies, to the nearest sun-soaked surface…

Free will was abandoned, the work day crawled to a halt, grown men walked through town centres without shirts on (*shudder*).   People scrambled madly at the sound of the ice-cream-van-twinkle; praying they had the essential £1.10 so they could afford the king of all ice creams – the Magnum… (freakin’ YUM!)

But the part that always stumped me the most was the reckless abandon when it came to skin care. It happened every time!  Half-naked Brits stumbled into midday the sun, where they would stay until they were burnt to a bright red crisp…  And it wasn’t accidental, either.  I’ve spoken to plenty of British people that set out to burn at the first opportunity so that it will fade to a tan.

Why oh why oh why would the pastiest nation set out to burn themselves??  Why??  (BTW, I’m allowed to call people pasty because nobody’s is pastier than I am.  I always said that if there was a concealer colour called ‘pasty cadaver’, that would be the colour I would need)…

The thing is, all skin care worries aside – I’ve DEFINITELY turned into a sun zombie.  I wear a layer of sun screen a foot thick, but I will drop everything and stumble into the sun, squinting and confused, at the first opportunity.  And there I’ll stay, until I’m literally drunk with vitamin D – until even the thought of sun hurts my brain.  But even as I limp back inside, I’m thinking in the back of mind, “This might be my last chance… my last chance to see the sun until next year”.

Especially with Mount Supercalifragilisticexpatalidocious erupting in Iceland… that ash-y bastard…

5cm of snow in Chicago = annoying, 5cm of snow in South West England = Snowmageddon

yankeebean

This morning began normally.  I woke up, put on my giant fuzzy slippers, wandered into the kitchen and turned on the coffee machine.

Then I looked out the window…

and there was SNOW!!  WOOHOO!!  (The joy experienced comes partially from working at home and knowing you don’t have to get in your car…)

But OH how the joy slowly faded as I slowly took in the scene and, I kid you not, this is what I saw… in order…

First I saw a car parallel parked (technically ‘parallel stuck’) – fishtailing back and forth a couple of inches over and over and over and over.  I watched them for about a minute as they shimmie-shook their way nowhere at all.  Finally they gave up and just sat there.

Then a cyclist tried to turn a corner and fell off his bike… (he was fine, I think – he got right back up again.  In fact, he got right back on his bike and teetered away – guy’s got stones…)

Then I saw a mamma with a pushchair – well, dragging a pushchair behind her.  She had the same body language as someone trying to drag a mule somewhere it doesn’t want to go.  The pushchair had one of those anti-snowmageddon sheets over it – and I bet she was wishing she was in there instead of out in the elements…

Then I saw a jogger wearing SHORTS AND A T-SHIRT running along like it was no big deal (I felt like that guy in Flashforward when he saw the kangaroo).  I’m sure there’s some reasonable explanation, though, like a rift in the time-space continuum or a worm hole or something.

In short – snowmageddon has arrived in the South West… because of 5cm of snow.

Five centimetres!!!  HA!

I know I know I know, I get it – they’re not used to it, it’s not very common, they don’t have the resources and the expense isn’t worth the gain, yadayadayada.

It’s just a bizarre comparison with my ol’ stomping ground Sweet-Home-Chicago where 5cm of snow barely even counts as snow.  It would be called Sn.  We once had 3ft of snow over night and we STILL had to go to school – and it was UPHILL BOTH WAYS…  ;)

Seriously, though, I hope everyone is ok out there in the elements – especially the drivers that have been stuck in their cars overnight on the A3.  That sounds HORRIBLE…

If all you gorgeous readers don’t HAVE to travel, then don’t – stay home in your warm den and drink tea.  I guess the good news is that it’s after Christmas so we should all have stockpiles of candy and chocolate.

“In case of snowmageddon, break glass, eat Minstrels”

13 Little Reasons to love Britain

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