How to fall in love with an English man – part 3

Posted on January 2, 2009 by pacificyorkshirebird

First of all – Happy 2009 to our readers!

avt_kapyork_large115Last year, Mr. Charismatic and I enjoyed a year of travel We have been debating what kind of year 2009 will be – yesterday we settled on a Year of Romance! Let me tell you why…

But first, it might be handy to read Parts 1 and 2 of How to Fall in Love with an English Man.

Six years after that chance meeting in Part 1- we are getting married! I know you might be out there thinking “6 years! What a long time to decide to get married!” When we met, I would have said that I could never manage to wait six years. That’s not to say we weren’t committed to the relationship but things all take a bit more time when you are in an international relationship.

After we met we sent emails and made phone calls for 8 months before Mr. Charismatic came back to the US. In fact we had many periods of long distance romance over the 3 years that he hopped back and forth with temporary working visas to the US. Next, came my decision to study in Britain for a year. That led to temporary employment which has been extended several times and is the way that I have managed to stay until we were eligible to be “unmarried partners” in the eyes of the UK government. We got engaged last May and are planning our wedding for June. :)

We’ve had plenty of romance over the years. But this year, we are taking that step to put our relationship first. 2009 will be our year to say out loud that immigration is no longer going to rule us!

Well, there is that small matter of getting his visa to the US – that’s right we have decided to make the move back to the US! This is for many reasons and is far more about wanting to be there than wanting to leave the UK. In fact I have mixed feelings about leaving the UK because I have enjoyed my time here. But it just seems like the right time to have a go in the US.

Not to worry though, I’ll be around for several more months. And I’d like to continue blogging from the perspective of bringing my English man to the US with me.

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What Others Are Saying

  1. Pingback: My English man and our long distance relationship | She's Not From Yorkshire

  2. Jane January 20, 2010 at 3:56 am

    Yankeebean – this is much later but the post you wrote on March 18, 2009 really struck a chord with me. Over 2 years since starting this whole thing, my Englishman and I have both had our moments of is this whole thing worth it? What if in 2 years we break up – we’d have wasted thousands of dollars on flights, endless hours on skype and a lot of heartache, but neither of us can go an entire day without hearing from the other. And I said in a post on another article on this site (I found it tonight and now I’m just reading everything!) that I will be the one to make a move in a year or so after saving enough money to grad school in London and I’m terrified, but I know if Paul and I never had the chance to live in the same city for a year, we would ALWAYS wonder what if… I would much rather try and wind up with a broken heart than the rest of my life wondering what if. Dreamer – I hope you had an amazing time in London, I miss it every day since I studied there!

  3. iamme September 12, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    Thanks for posting your story.. I am also in engaged on a long distance relationship with an English man.. I have the same concerns as you did.. I personally was able to relate to this part:
    ” It was wonderful but miserable all at the same time! Would he ever come back? Was he seeing anyone else? Should I be seeing someone else? Was I silly to entertain the idea that we could be together???”
    Now I’m letting go of all my fears. I’mk also hoping that this is gonna be ”it”

    Heaps of thanks again..

  4. pacificyorkshirebird May 24, 2009 at 12:30 pm

    Hi Dreamer, you could take the train to both places, but you would likely want at least one overnight in both. It will take you several hours to travel each way. There are also really beautiful places closer to London that could just be day trips. Have fun!

  5. Dreamer May 23, 2009 at 5:32 pm

    pacificyorkshirebird -

    Getting close indeed! I leave in a few days. I simply can not wait. I’m all packed up and ready to go.

    As far as how the packing went, I pretty much just gave up and decided I’ll buy the necessary umbrella, raincoat, and wellies when I get there. I know its unpredictable so there really was no use in me trying to plan it out.

    I will most certainly keep Yorkshire Dales and Lake District in mind. My Brit definitely wants to travel with me a bit so that seems ideal. Could those be day trips from London? Would I just take a train?

    I hope you have a wonderful trip back to the states!

  6. pacificyorkshirebird May 19, 2009 at 10:10 pm

    Hi Dreamer – your flight must be getting close? I think possibly you and I will be able to wave to each other in the air as our plans pass each other. :)

    UK weather is fairly unpredictable. Pack things you can layer, an umbrella, and some good rain shoes (wellies if you plan to go to any music festivals!). I’ve known it to get into the 80′s but it is a faily humid heat so it feels hotter than that. Also, AC is not all that common in flats. That said, I have never lived in London.

    If you get a chance to go north, visit the Yorkshire Dales and the Lake District, both stunning!

    I hope you have a FANTASTIC time in the UK. Make the most of it!

  7. Dreamer April 30, 2009 at 3:38 am

    4 weeks to go until I’m off to Londontown…but no one is counting right? haha. I’m so excited and I have most certainly already mentally checked out of my life here. I just want it to be now!

    As I’m starting to try to put things together to pack…am wondering how the UK (London) is during the summer weather-wise. How hot does it get? Does it rain often (OK..thats probably a stupid question….)

  8. Dreamer March 30, 2009 at 4:35 pm

    Hi Rachel! Would love to hear your story of how you met Mr. Sweet-tooth…..and good luck with the move!

  9. pacificyorkshirebird March 26, 2009 at 10:21 pm

    Hi Rachel – Thanks! What an exciting adventure you have ahead of you. Keep us updated and check out the recent post from PeacefulYorkshire with our readers’ ideas how to make new friends in the UK. And, if you have them, bring your rollerskates!

  10. Rachel March 24, 2009 at 11:51 pm

    I know it has been a while since you posted this story in three pieces, but I have to say Pacifcyorkshirebird, I love it. While you are now off to the US, I am several years behind you making the move to the UK to be with my sweetie, who I think I might nickname Mr. Sweet-tooth as I am inspired by the three of you sassy gals. I just want to let you and the other two lovely ladies know that I’ve really enjoyed reading your posts and look forward to applying your advice as I move to East Anglia in the coming months. Thank you!

  11. pacificyorkshirebird March 23, 2009 at 7:58 am

    Hi Dreamer – Congrats on your decision!

    To answer your questions:

    1. Not sure how active Craigslist is in London. I have not found it all that useful up north. I would recommend going to a local estate agent that deals in lettings. It is common to get short leases in the UK – I had to pay up front though because I had no renting history in the UK.

    2. Better check out the proper rules. http://www.ukvisas.gov.uk/en/howtoapply/infs/inf5students

    3. I can’t speak for the border control and what they will/will not ask you when you get here. My experience is that one-way tickets are REALLY expensive and it is cheaper to by a flexi round trip, then pay the fee when you are ready to change the ticket. It is also really nice to know you have that return portion – like a safety net in case you feel homesick.

    Goodluck!!

  12. Dreamer...unrealistic?...do i care? March 23, 2009 at 5:02 am

    So, yes, I am going to be living in London this summer. Final decision!

    Now I need your help:

    1. Where do I go to look for subletting a place? Craigslist?

    2. Im thinking you yorkshire girls are complete EXPERTS on everything to do with visa’s at this point…do I need one if I’m going to be living there taking classes this summer?

    3. I want to just book a one way ticket because I dont know exactly what date I’ll be flying back to the US. But every time I go through UK border control they always ask me for my return ticket. Is this going to be a problem if I don’t have one? (p.s. UK border control terrify me! There are so scary!)

  13. Dreamer...unrealistic?...do i care? March 20, 2009 at 4:44 am

    pacificyorkshirebird – I was just reading your blog about Valentines Day (I know…a bit late) but I found it rather interesting when your fiance said:

    “in Britain, we just don’t do big heart-felt speeches like you Americans do. British people are so reserved and held back that it is an understated event. People keep most of what they feel hidden deep down and then let 10% go free for Valentine’s Day.”

    All – Is this how all Brit men are? Just much more reserved about their feelings than most men in general?

    …because that would make me feel a bit better about My Brit! He speaks very few words!

  14. Dreamer...unrealistic?...do i care? March 19, 2009 at 11:05 pm

    p.s. Do any of you know someone who is looking for a place to live in NY for the summer / Know of anyone looking to fill a room in London?

  15. Dreamer...unrealistic?...do i care? March 19, 2009 at 11:03 pm

    There was nothing pretentious about anything you wrote and thank you very much for your advice. I do know what you mean…instead of “regret”, though, I would say its “fear of being hurt”. I don’t think I am scared of regretting….I have never been the type to regret anything in my life that I do. But like I said before, I have been burned pretty badly in the past so this is a very scary step for me/my heart to take. I guess this has nothing to do with The Brit and has everything to do with the fact that this is the first time I’ve felt like this about someone for a very long time. But like I’ve never regretted anything, I’ve also never held myself back from anything solely because I was afraid. I am a “throw caution to the wind and if it doesnt work just learn from it” type of girl …but for some reason I have been fighting it this time around.

    I have decided I need to stop that, though, because despite what has happened to me in the past and the hurt I went through, I can not let that change who I am and what I stand for. I also have never ever felt so strongly about someone and I would most certainly be wondering “what if” if I didn’t do this. I have been talking with the school in London and everything is falling into place perfectly. I think I am going to do this…

  16. pacificyorkshirebird March 19, 2009 at 10:51 pm

    Yankeebean does it again – you always manage to frame things perfectly.

    Hi Dreamer: I agree completely that you have to choose your paths given the best information you have at the time.

    Like any relationship whether international or not – there is no perfect formula. You’ll both know what is best when the time comes to make decisions.

    We’re really pulling for you – same goes for you too, I Love this Blog. :)

  17. yankeebean March 18, 2009 at 8:07 pm

    Hi Dreamer!

    After reading your comments, the thing that keeps popping into my head was the idea of having regrets. When My English guy and I decided to stay exclusive-long-distance we were 18 years old and it was after 4 months of dating. Looking back, I think we decided to stay together then because that’s what we both wanted at that exact moment – so we followed our instincts. Breaking it off then would have been sensible, but I would have always wondered ‘what if’…

    Then, after 4 years of our long-distance relationship, I moved to England because I knew that if I didn’t, I would always wonder what would have happened – and because I was still head-over-heels for my English guy.

    Now, looking back, I see how hard it was and how expensive it was, and how much red tape I had to cut my way through – but mostly I see how WORTH IT it was (and is!).

    And if something would’ve gone wrong somewhere along the way (which it very seriously nearly did several times) I would’ve been heart-broken, and I would’ve cried like hell for a long time, but I’d like to think I’d look back on it all and see how it helped me to change for the better, too. Does that make sense? I really don’t want this to come across as pretentious, because I know what a difficult decision it is – and how much your head must be battling your heart.

    Just choose the paths that will leave you without regrets! And whatever happens we’ll always be here – please keep up posted on how things are going!!

  18. Dreamer March 17, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    I go back and forth with my decision to go there this summer. It’s something my heart desires but I’m so scared to do it bc it’s a very bold and intense action stating that I am serious about him. That scares me. (this fear is coming from a long, deep relationship that ended terribly…this Brit is the first time I’ve felt like this since that heartbreak.) To be brutally honest, I’d much rather him make the bold move instead of me bc I feel like that would be protecting my heart in some way…but I know he can’t dont that now…I also know he would do it if he could.

    Pacfic- I agree on the buying more time thing…you hit the nail on the head…that’s exactly what I need! Did you and mr charismatic date other people at all when you were separated from eachother?

    I love this blog – any luck in the job search? Where are you looking? If I do go over there I think I’m going to want to get an internship while I’m taking a class or two. I don’t really need it on my resume but it will keep me busy! I just don’t know where to look….

    All of have really helped so much bc I feel you’re the only people who really understand. So thank you so much for that.

  19. I Love This Blog! March 14, 2009 at 7:23 am

    I know what you mean, Dreamer! After four spoiled years in sunny, perfect California I’m slightly dreading the infamous dreary London weather (though of course, that is the least of my worries compared to all the questions about the change in culture, and jumping the big puddle of water + the continental US in between us).

    For the international thing question, we both decided a few months ago that it really wasn’t feasible having an “official” relationship when we didn’t know if we’d even see each other again within a year. (Am secretly a little jealous you got that heavenly week! Every time I saw him, it was like this torturous taste of what I wanted-like the universe taunting me.) Right now we really are just kind of rolling with the Skype/MSN until I actually find my way over (he just landed a great job so it makes more sense for me to make the move).

    Haven’t actually told my family, yet, but my friends know all about it. To be honest, my male friends highly discourage the move, saying it’s very unrealistic and they don’t think it’ll work out and my female friends all gush Cosmo-style and think it’s true love ordained by the Universe. So, I’m having some trouble finding someone in the middle to give me some real advice. Definitely think you should do the summer abroad/London College of Fashion idea; at least once you’re in the same city you’ll really know if he’s what you want!

    To Pacific: Africa?? WOW!!

  20. pacificyorkshirebird March 13, 2009 at 9:45 pm

    Hi Dreamer – Glad to hear from you. I’ll have a think about your questions. My initial thought though is about looking into classes at the London College of Fashion.

    When I first met Mr. Charismatic, I started looking for internships in the UK (or even Europe) just to try to get a little closer to him (and buy time before we had to decide whether to take it seriously). I ended up going to Africa for a chance of a lifetime internship instead. It changed my life but I’d have never had the courage to do it if I hadn’t been looking to get to the UK.

    London College of Fashion? Go for it!

  21. Dreamer...unrealistic?...do i care? March 13, 2009 at 8:29 pm

    To all – Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments and great advice! Happy to report that all is still going very well…even better than I could imagine. And all of you really did help calm my nerves so thank you. I actually just got back from London. Took a trip over there and stayed with him for a week…with a trip to Paris together in between. Had an amazing time.

    I was a bit anxious going over because I felt this time around we were past the beginning stages and had really gotten to know each other (we have done skype/MSN/texting every single day since he last visited). And by the end of the trip, I felt that I was going to need to decide whether this was something I seriously wanted to do or not. Well it didn’t take long for me to decide and by the end all I wanted to do was blurt out the L word and stay for much longer. It’s quite apparent on both sides that if we both lived in the same city there would not be a question….but that’s obviously not the issue.

    I guess the main thing that is hard is that… bc it is international long distance it forces us to make an intense decision quickly based on the limited times we have spent together when normally people would have time to casually date for awhile before deciding something like this.

    To “I Love This Blog – I feel that you really have gone through exactly what I have and I loved your advice. My ultimate fear is committing to something that is unrealistic and will ultimately take away from my life in NY. I am a very independent person and have a life in the city that I absolutely love. So I am working hard on not letting that slide….although it is very hard to do when I have met someone that actually makes me want to leave the city and move to be with him. That is huge and terrifying for me to realize considering how much I am in love with NY. And I second the incredibly painful feeling of the ‘what the hell am i doing” vs “I feel like this is right”. It is dreadful!!!!

    Questions for all -

    - How far in did all of you have the “should we really do this whole international thing” talk?

    - How did your family/friends first react to it?

    I have spent many nights tossing and turning over what to do. I have to admit its a bit exhausting (literally and figuratively). When I get in bed every night, though, this is always the conclusion I have: Yes, this whole thing is crazy and unrealistic, but I feel like it would be even more crazy for me to walk away from this solely because of the unrealistic aspect of it.

    That might make me crazy! In fact, I think this has indeed made me crazy….but I’m ok with that for now. So crazy that I’m actually currently looking into taking a few classes this summer at the London College of Fashion while I’m on break from grad school…

  22. pacificyorkshirebird March 13, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    Hi ‘I Love This Blog!’

    Thanks for the comment. I am so glad you like the blog. When we started we knew there were others like us who might relate but we had no idea we’d find others who relate in so many ways!

    You have a beautiful story too and wish you the very best in finding that great job in London. I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

  23. Love this blog! March 13, 2009 at 9:35 am

    To Dreamer:

    I too met a wonderful British man four years ago while we were both studying abroad in a different country. I’m in college in California and he in London and we saw each other literally one week each year (and by sheer coincidence-vacation plans crossing). I’m a college student struggling to meet sky-high tuition/rent, so flying to see him really was never an option. We kept in touch through Skype, MSN, emailing, even text messaging, everyday. We both tried the dating scene in our respective cities but in the end couldn’t really deny our feelings for each other.

    I also went through the “What the hell am I doing” feeling on a regular basis. It’s incredibly painful but I think it’s worth it in the end, if you’re both on the same page, like Pacific said (and everything said by Peaceful/Yankee, for that matter!)

    I say just go with it, and see where it takes you! Keep the Skype and the daydreaming and fluttery heart, but make sure you still live your life in New York! If you’re both willing to make the commitment, like the others said, then go full steam ahead, but if you’re scared of the distance then let yourself date other people and see if there is anything else out there. For me, there was nobody else.

    I’ve just graduated and am on the lookout for jobs in London, which actually isn’t going so well because of the global recession. We both know that it could still be another year until I make the move, but what’s another year after we’ve already waited 4? I’m trying to keep realistic as my top priority is to find a job and pay back those student loans, but I’m keeping the hope alive that I’ll land one abroad! Absolutely love this blog, by the way.. Love the writing, the stories & especially the love stories!, and I’m really hoping mine turns out as beautiful as yours!

  24. pacificyorkshirebird January 26, 2009 at 9:39 pm

    Hi Dreamer – Sorry for not replying…

    I read your post and didn’t know what to say. Or whther it was my place to say anything at all. But you asked so I owe you a response…

    I’ve been exactly where you are. And for several months there is this wonderful high that comes with falling in love but with it comes this intense fear (in my case it felt a bit like desperation) because in order to take such a big leap of faith to make an international relationship work I had to be more sure about this than any other relationship before (which obviously had not worked out seeing as I was single when I met Mr. Charismatic). A scary thing to do.

    I agree with everything Peaceful and Yankee said above. Also, in my case Mr. Charismatic and I have received so much support from our families, without which we would not be together today. This support was financial and otherwise… including parents declaring their support for our relationship on legal documents!

    And last, you might consider the priorities you have for your life irrespective of any relationship. I spent 8 months waiting for Mr. Charismatic to find out whether he could come back to America, then 3 years doing long distance and using every vacation day and penny saved to visit, then three years living with him in Britain. Then we decided to get married. Consider your goals and career plans and whether there is room in your goals/career for the flexibility needed to support your relationship.

    And then enjoy your decisions whatever you should choose to do! Good luck and keep us posted!

  25. peacefulyorkshire January 25, 2009 at 9:14 am

    Dear Dreamer…unrealistic?…do i care?

    Funnily enough, Yankeebean and I were talking about your comment last night over wine and Betty’s teacakes… although we have tons of experience about being a foreigner in Britain, we are by all means not experts in love. We were gathered around her living room and were talking about the blog… but we both agreed one thing: If you are going to go for it, go for it with your whole heart and mind. If you’re going to do it, there is no way its going to work unless he is into it too… it can’t be one way!
    But, Who are we to tell you to continue a relationship ? Yankeebean and Pacificyorkshirebird made theirs work out… but they will tell you it wasn’t easy and there were lots of tears and airport hellos and goodbyes. But if hes so lovely, then it will be worth the effort.
    Let us know how it works out, we are rooting for you!

  26. Dreamer...unrealistic?...do i care? January 24, 2009 at 6:01 pm

    No one has responded!!! :(

  27. Dreamer...unrealistic?...do i care? January 12, 2009 at 8:39 am

    Oh what joy it gave me to find another American who has fallen in love with an Englishman. My Brit interest is very new…have only known him since early November. He was in New York with friends..our paths crossed…so did some other things….then he went back to London. I just so happened to have 2 best friends studying in London, so …3 weeks after we first met…I was in London for a week. He didn’t leave my side. *And I’ll spare you the utterly romantic/giddy/butterflies/mind blowing feelings that consumed me that entire week I was there*. Then I left..I cried on the plane. Then..what do you know! I ask him to come for new years to new york..and he came for a week and stayed with me. Then left. I cried the second he left my apartment. Have never felt so close to anyone in my entire life. He is amazing…etc. So…talk about going a little fast. We went from strangers to becoming very close in a short amount of time. Now of course he’s back in London…we skype (thank god for skype) but I am currently am freaking out on a daily basis as to “What the hell am I doing???!!! He lives in London!!!”. Someone…anyone….tell me if I should try to continue..(is it possible to do??) or cut it off to save my heart from being exposed more before it comes crashing down from the separation of the big pond

  28. peacefulyorkshire January 8, 2009 at 7:36 pm

    Can’t wait to hear more about your adventures bringing your British man to good ol America!

  29. yankeebean January 5, 2009 at 8:48 pm

    We’re going to miss you here in Yorkshire, pacificyorkshirebird!! You’ll have to keep blogging about what it’s like to be back home. The perspective introduced by living in England will make for some seriously interesting stories!

    And now Mr. Charismatic will learn what it’s like to leave his country behind. I bet he’ll love it there :)

  30. Circle City Girl January 2, 2009 at 9:25 pm

    Great post… thanks for sharing. :)

    Blessings,
    Circle City Girl
    http://singleinthecirclecity.wordpress.com

  31. peacefulyorkshire March 20, 2009 at 7:52 am

    Dreamer…unrealistic?…do i care?—

    Actually I (PeacefulYorkshire!) was the one that wrote that post about Valentine’s Day, so I feel I should be the one to answer your question ;)
    As to how all British men feel, no of course this is isn’t how all British men feel. My boyfriend Mr. Chill gave an interview as to why he thinks there could be some understated romance going on during the day, which in turn gets interpreted as “not as romantic” by another culture (like us Americans). As I have lived here 5 years I have noticed some similarities between men I have met that are particular to the British persona, but Mr. Chill helps me understand the cultural influences that cause these behaviors. Americans tend to have a persona as “loud” for example but that doesn’t mean that all Americans are loud, of course. You get the idea.

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