No sex at this Bed and Breakfast, honey!

Posted on November 6, 2008 by peacefulyorkshire

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I once read a quote that said:

“Bed and Breakfasts are for people who want to pretend they have fun friends in cool places”

Oh the bed and breakfasts of Britain!

When I arrived on this little North Sea island I used to love going to a bed and breakfast. “Aren’t they quaint?” I would sigh with contentment. Oh, and the owners sooooooo friendly!! I would look forward to long weekends of bed and breakfast-wholesome goodness. I would chat, smile, get up early and act amused at the owner’s dog/collectible teapots/field of sheep.

Fast Forward 8 years on—-

Give me a cheap hotel chain any day!

What I have learned is that usually a stay in a Bed and Breakfast goes like this:

Upon arrival the old lady (always after several buzzer rings) manages to greet Mr. Chill and I and needs to know:

a) my entire life story from birth, “oh where is that accent from?” type hoopla

and b) “what are your plans for tomorrow?”What she really means is “what is your social class/are you going to rob me?” and “when are you leaving so I can get my tax-free cash?”

I walk to my room lugging all my crap up those old Victorian steps–usually a teenager’s room that has been converted since they have left.

I am usually apprehensive of what my room is going to look like… (should I have paid for the upgrade for the en-suite?) But no surprise —it usually it looks like all the fabrics that Laura Ashley sold circa 1980 have been shook up in a blender, and then vomited on the walls, carpets, duvet and lampshade. Oh and don’t forget the nasty tea kettle that was bought around the same time as the Laura Ashely fabrics.

We come in at night and we feel like naughty teenagers who have been out too late. After all, no one else’s lights are on. I always imagine the owners tut-tutting in their own Laura Ashley hell and and thinking “that couple, right party fools they are!”

Then, of course there is no sex on tap because its usually way to cold (gotta pinch those pennies says the old lady owner who refuses to heat the place properly) and again you feel like your parents are listening in. I try to make a cuppa but the never been descaled kettle is scary. Plus who likes UHT milk anyway?

Fast forward to breakfast. I feel guilty because I refused to have sex with Mr. Chill, and we’re even on holiday so double guilt!! Then I get annoyed because why did I choose to stay at a place to only get a full breakfast between 8 and 8:30? So we arrive at 8:29… not good. The other guests stare with their plates already cleaned.

The old Lady looks annoyed and says “tea or coffee?” with a sigh.

I can’t wait to get home already. Then at least I can have sex¬† with Mr. Chill and sleep in to my hearts content.

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  2. Steve Shawcross August 22, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    If you feel that you are not welcome at B&Bs, that’s because you probably aren’t, unfortunately!

    Many people open their homes up to strangers as a B&B, for a bit of extra money, and usual resent doing so– hence the churlish attitude displayed by many (usually elderly) hosts.

    So you are well advised to go for a cheapo hotel instead, at least accommodation is their raison d’etre!

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  4. yankeebean November 7, 2008 at 10:08 am

    LMAO!! I remember the first time I stayed in a B&B. I was 16 and there was no tv in our room and I couldn’t believe it. Could not BELIEVE there was no TV…

    Then I tried my first digestive biscuit, and ate it wishing it was an Oreo…

    Then I walked to the local pub with my brother and saw a thatched roof for the first time and thought Snow White and the friggin 7 dwarves were going to come out whistling while they worked…

    Then we got the pub and they weren’t open until 6pm and I was stymied that there were establishments that weren’t just open all day (and all night for that matter)

    So we waited around until they opened, and ordered the only thing on the menu that we recognized, which was ham and chips. Ham and chips?? WHAT is that about??

    I was so freaked out…

  5. pacificyorkshirebird November 6, 2008 at 11:10 pm

    I can’t say I have stayed at a B&B in the UK. I am less likely to give it a try now. :) I do completely relate to cold accomodation in the winter. We took my mom to a hotel in Edinburgh about this time last year and it was freezing no matter how high we pumped the heat.

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